You Don't Know

I started this blog for a couple of reasons:

1.) I needed a way to organize all the recipes, information and articles I've been collecting and make them easily accessible;

2.) I wanted to share that information with others in hopes to encourage and support them on their own journeys.

In order to accomplish #2, it is important for me to be honest. To honestly tell you about the changes I've experienced in my own body and life, to honestly tell you that I'm still learning and I still struggle, to honestly tell you that change is not easy.

I want this to be a this to be a positive, happy place, but I need to be honest about something else. Today, I am annoyed. Irritated. Even a little bit... angry.

The title of this blog contains the words "live your best life." Lately, that's what I've been trying to do, live every day the best way I know how. Some days that means my greatest accomplishments are brushing my teeth and putting on a bra. Other days, it's kicking ass at work, doing laundry, cleaning the house, preparing a great dinner, exercising, playing with the dogs, spending time with the husband and being there for a friend in need (okay, maybe not all those things in one day, but some combination of them).

I'm slowly learning to accept that both types of days are okay. As long as I've done the best I can do that day, I can't ask for anything else. But I struggle with my acceptance. I struggle with a lot of things.

I struggle with letting stuff go. I struggle with my ability to release the negativity instead of letting it fester and build until it becomes all-consuming.

Today, a stranger's comment, just six words, has been festering and building and I'm really, really trying to let it go, but it's not easy. Writing has always been a way for me to release my feelings. Putting pen to paper or fingers to keyboard and just letting the words flow helps me rid my mind and heart of the anger, sadness, frustration, or whatever it is that's consuming me, and allows me to move on.

I could write about today's experience with this stranger in my journal, for only my eyes to see. But over the last four hours, as his comment has been building and growing into an all-consuming monster in my mind, I've also been processing it. And all that processing has helped me realize a few things and reminded me of a few very important things, so I want to share it with you all in hopes that it might encourage those of you who struggle like I do. I share it in hopes that it will remind you why decided to improve and heal your life through food.

Today, I went to a gourmet deli for lunch. Eating at restaurants can be a challenge, because even though the menu says, "chicken, artichokes, banana peppers, onions and cheese," there is also a sauce, and in that sauce can be a lot of hidden ingredients. Ingredients I don't want. Today, I was particularly concerned about sugar.

Sugar is a common (and in my opinion, totally unnecessary) ingredient in many dressings and sauces. If I decide I am going to eat sugar (and sometimes I do!) I want it in the form of dessert. I don't want it in my mid-day meal, which I'm counting on to give me fuel and nutrients to power through the second half of my day.

A man, a total stranger, someone whom I have never met in my life, overhead me ask the girl at the counter if there was sugar in two particular dishes, and he made the following comment to me, "You don't want to gain weight."

Was it the words alone that irked me? Possibly. Was it the way he said it with sarcasm and derision that made my blood start to simmer? Probably. Maybe I was just tired of strangers asking me things or commenting on things that are none of their damn business (his comment was the fourth one by a stranger in less than a week).

I was irritated when he said it. Four hours later, after much festering, I am angry. So, in my attempt to let it go, I have written an open letter to this man.

Dear Guy at the Deli,

You don't know me. You don't know my name, you don't know my age, where I'm from, my life's history, the challenges I face or the obstacles I've overcome.

You don't know me. And yet, you found it totally acceptable to make a comment to me about my weight.

You don't know if I used to be morbidly obese or if I struggle with an eating disorder of another type, one in which your words will cause me to move the food around on my plate without actually eating any.

You don't know me, and yet you found it totally acceptable to make a negative comment about my appearance.

I am baffled by this. I can't imagine what would ever make you think this is an okay thing to say to someone you don't know. Maybe you see a thin girl who doesn't want to eat sugar and you think she is vain, shallow, consumed with her looks. That's the only reason I wouldn't eat sugar, right? Because I don't want to get fat?

Well here's what else you don't know...

You don't know that my decision to avoid sugar has nothing to do with my weight and everything to do with my health.

You don't know that sugar throws my hormones out of whack. And when my hormones get out of whack my anxiety gets worse. And when my anxiety gets worse, it makes it hard to function.

You don't know that my anxiety has caused me to hide behind a table at a fundraising event, and escape to my car at a graduation party.

You don't know that my anxiety makes me miss out on special occasions with friends and family.

You don't know that when my anxiety is at its worst, my heart races, my vision blurs, my breathing accelerates, my hands flap, I rise up on my toes, and claw at my skin, in an attempt to free myself from my own skin.

You don't know that my anxiety makes me want to flee, to be anywhere but inside my own body. You don't know a lot of things, but I bet you can imagine how impossible it is to escape your own body.

You don't know that sugar throws my hormones out of whack, and when my hormones get out of whack my depression gets worse. I told you that my anxiety makes it hard to function, but my depression makes it hard to WANT to function.

You don't know that my depression makes every task impossible.

You don't know that depression makes me exhausted.

You don't know that my depression fills my head with lies, making me feel useless and worthless.

You don't know that when my depression is at its worst, I believe this world and the people who love me would be better off without me.

You don't know that avoiding sugar has nothing to do with my weight, but very much to do with my life.

You don't know that I finished work early today and had four glorious hours to myself before  my hot yoga class (You know, that thing I do because I don't want to gain weight, not that I do because it is a great stress reducer, or because it brings calmness and clarity to my mind, or because the insane amount of sweating releases toxins from my body, or because it pushes me both mentally and physically beyond what I think I'm capable of, or because, for the first time in more than 10 years, I'm actually experiencing relief and healing from chronic knee pain. No, I just do it so I don't gain weight.)

You don't know that during those four hours, or at least part of them, I decided to take a nap. A decadent, luxurious nap on a Thursday afternoon. How indulgent.

You don't know that because of your comment, I couldn't sleep. You don't know it swirled around in my mind, growing bigger and bigger like a tornado that consumes an entire town, or in this case my brain. But you know what? That's not your fault.

It's mine.

Letting other people's comments and actions have so much power over my own thoughts and actions, is my fault. It's one of my biggest flaws. It's one of the biggest thieves of my joy. It's something that I'm working on improving.

So I thank you. I thank you for giving me the chance to improve. I thank you for allowing me to practice taking deep breaths and letting it go. I thank you for helping me to remember not to sweat the small stuff. 

You don't know a lot of things, Guy at the Deli, but you do know one thing. Sugar can make you gain weight. Since I have cut sugar and other foods from my diet a year ago, I have lost weight. My weight hasn't been this low since I was in high school.

But that's not why I do it. And I thank you for reminding me of that.

I thank you for reminding me that the things I choose to eat or not eat isn't about a number on the scale. It's about how I feel.

It's about waking up and facing the day filled with excitement and possibility instead of with apprehension and dread.

It's about pursuing my dreams and setting and reaching goals I never thought possible.

It's about appreciating the little things.

It's about being present, living in the moment, and feeling hopeful about the future.

It's about being healthy.

It's about being free of pain.

It's about being happy.

So thank you, Guy at the Deli, for your comment. Because all the things you don't know, remind me of the things I do know and how much I still need to grow.

Sincerely,
Girl at the Deli

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Update: This happened to me yesterday. I started writing the post before 90 minutes of HOT HOT yoga. As I mentioned, although this comment was building in festering in my mind, I was also processing it. I had come to the realizations I did before going to hot yoga, but I still wasn't over it, I hadn't freed myself from it. The first 10 minutes of yoga, I couldn't focus. I was still so annoyed and distracted by his six little words. By the end of yoga I had released it completely. I debated on whether I wanted to finish this post. I didn't want, or need, to rehash something I had let go. But I decided to share it because the things Guy at the Deli helped me realize and remember were so valuable I wanted to share them here in case it might help someone else.