Friday, February 28, 2014

You Don't Know

I started this blog for a couple of reasons:

1.) I needed a way to organize all the recipes, information and articles I've been collecting and make them easily accessible;

2.) I wanted to share that information with others in hopes to encourage and support them on their own journeys.

In order to accomplish #2, it is important for me to be honest. To honestly tell you about the changes I've experienced in my own body and life, to honestly tell you that I'm still learning and I still struggle, to honestly tell you that change is not easy.

I want this to be a this to be a positive, happy place, but I need to be honest about something else. Today, I am annoyed. Irritated. Even a little bit... angry.

The title of this blog contains the words "live your best life." Lately, that's what I've been trying to do, live every day the best way I know how. Some days that means my greatest accomplishments are brushing my teeth and putting on a bra. Other days, it's kicking ass at work, doing laundry, cleaning the house, preparing a great dinner, exercising, playing with the dogs, spending time with the husband and being there for a friend in need (okay, maybe not all those things in one day, but some combination of them).

I'm slowly learning to accept that both types of days are okay. As long as I've done the best I can do that day, I can't ask for anything else. But I struggle with my acceptance. I struggle with a lot of things.

I struggle with letting stuff go. I struggle with my ability to release the negativity instead of letting it fester and build until it becomes all-consuming.

Today, a stranger's comment, just six words, has been festering and building and I'm really, really trying to let it go, but it's not easy. Writing has always been a way for me to release my feelings. Putting pen to paper or fingers to keyboard and just letting the words flow helps me rid my mind and heart of the anger, sadness, frustration, or whatever it is that's consuming me, and allows me to move on.

I could write about today's experience with this stranger in my journal, for only my eyes to see. But over the last four hours, as his comment has been building and growing into an all-consuming monster in my mind, I've also been processing it. And all that processing has helped me realize a few things and reminded me of a few very important things, so I want to share it with you all in hopes that it might encourage those of you who struggle like I do. I share it in hopes that it will remind you why decided to improve and heal your life through food.

Today, I went to a gourmet deli for lunch. Eating at restaurants can be a challenge, because even though the menu says, "chicken, artichokes, banana peppers, onions and cheese," there is also a sauce, and in that sauce can be a lot of hidden ingredients. Ingredients I don't want. Today, I was particularly concerned about sugar.

Sugar is a common (and in my opinion, totally unnecessary) ingredient in many dressings and sauces. If I decide I am going to eat sugar (and sometimes I do!) I want it in the form of dessert. I don't want it in my mid-day meal, which I'm counting on to give me fuel and nutrients to power through the second half of my day.

A man, a total stranger, someone whom I have never met in my life, overhead me ask the girl at the counter if there was sugar in two particular dishes, and he made the following comment to me, "You don't want to gain weight."

Was it the words alone that irked me? Possibly. Was it the way he said it with sarcasm and derision that made my blood start to simmer? Probably. Maybe I was just tired of strangers asking me things or commenting on things that are none of their damn business (his comment was the fourth one by a stranger in less than a week).

I was irritated when he said it. Four hours later, after much festering, I am angry. So, in my attempt to let it go, I have written an open letter to this man.

Dear Guy at the Deli,

You don't know me. You don't know my name, you don't know my age, where I'm from, my life's history, the challenges I face or the obstacles I've overcome.

You don't know me. And yet, you found it totally acceptable to make a comment to me about my weight.

You don't know if I used to be morbidly obese or if I struggle with an eating disorder of another type, one in which your words will cause me to move the food around on my plate without actually eating any.

You don't know me, and yet you found it totally acceptable to make a negative comment about my appearance.

I am baffled by this. I can't imagine what would ever make you think this is an okay thing to say to someone you don't know. Maybe you see a thin girl who doesn't want to eat sugar and you think she is vain, shallow, consumed with her looks. That's the only reason I wouldn't eat sugar, right? Because I don't want to get fat?

Well here's what else you don't know...

You don't know that my decision to avoid sugar has nothing to do with my weight and everything to do with my health.

You don't know that sugar throws my hormones out of whack. And when my hormones get out of whack my anxiety gets worse. And when my anxiety gets worse, it makes it hard to function.

You don't know that my anxiety has caused me to hide behind a table at a fundraising event, and escape to my car at a graduation party.

You don't know that my anxiety makes me miss out on special occasions with friends and family.

You don't know that when my anxiety is at its worst, my heart races, my vision blurs, my breathing accelerates, my hands flap, I rise up on my toes, and claw at my skin, in an attempt to free myself from my own skin.

You don't know that my anxiety makes me want to flee, to be anywhere but inside my own body. You don't know a lot of things, but I bet you can imagine how impossible it is to escape your own body.

You don't know that sugar throws my hormones out of whack, and when my hormones get out of whack my depression gets worse. I told you that my anxiety makes it hard to function, but my depression makes it hard to WANT to function.

You don't know that my depression makes every task impossible.

You don't know that depression makes me exhausted.

You don't know that my depression fills my head with lies, making me feel useless and worthless.

You don't know that when my depression is at its worst, I believe this world and the people who love me would be better off without me.

You don't know that avoiding sugar has nothing to do with my weight, but very much to do with my life.

You don't know that I finished work early today and had four glorious hours to myself before  my hot yoga class (You know, that thing I do because I don't want to gain weight, not that I do because it is a great stress reducer, or because it brings calmness and clarity to my mind, or because the insane amount of sweating releases toxins from my body, or because it pushes me both mentally and physically beyond what I think I'm capable of, or because, for the first time in more than 10 years, I'm actually experiencing relief and healing from chronic knee pain. No, I just do it so I don't gain weight.)

You don't know that during those four hours, or at least part of them, I decided to take a nap. A decadent, luxurious nap on a Thursday afternoon. How indulgent.

You don't know that because of your comment, I couldn't sleep. You don't know it swirled around in my mind, growing bigger and bigger like a tornado that consumes an entire town, or in this case my brain. But you know what? That's not your fault.

It's mine.

Letting other people's comments and actions have so much power over my own thoughts and actions, is my fault. It's one of my biggest flaws. It's one of the biggest thieves of my joy. It's something that I'm working on improving.

So I thank you. I thank you for giving me the chance to improve. I thank you for allowing me to practice taking deep breaths and letting it go. I thank you for helping me to remember not to sweat the small stuff. 

You don't know a lot of things, Guy at the Deli, but you do know one thing. Sugar can make you gain weight. Since I have cut sugar and other foods from my diet a year ago, I have lost weight. My weight hasn't been this low since I was in high school.

But that's not why I do it. And I thank you for reminding me of that.

I thank you for reminding me that the things I choose to eat or not eat isn't about a number on the scale. It's about how I feel.

It's about waking up and facing the day filled with excitement and possibility instead of with apprehension and dread.

It's about pursuing my dreams and setting and reaching goals I never thought possible.

It's about appreciating the little things.

It's about being present, living in the moment, and feeling hopeful about the future.

It's about being healthy.

It's about being free of pain.

It's about being happy.

So thank you, Guy at the Deli, for your comment. Because all the things you don't know, remind me of the things I do know and how much I still need to grow.

Sincerely,
Girl at the Deli

*************************************

Update: This happened to me yesterday. I started writing the post before 90 minutes of HOT HOT yoga. As I mentioned, although this comment was building in festering in my mind, I was also processing it. I had come to the realizations I did before going to hot yoga, but I still wasn't over it, I hadn't freed myself from it. The first 10 minutes of yoga, I couldn't focus. I was still so annoyed and distracted by his six little words. By the end of yoga I had released it completely. I debated on whether I wanted to finish this post. I didn't want, or need, to rehash something I had let go. But I decided to share it because the things Guy at the Deli helped me realize and remember were so valuable I wanted to share them here in case it might help someone else.







Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Midnight Muffins

I have always been a rule follower. I like to follow the rules, mainly because I hate getting in trouble. But also because I have this insane need to please ALL THE PEOPLE ALL THE TIME (It's annoying. It's impossible. I'm working on it.).

Following the rules has served me well in life. I was a good student, I don't get speeding tickets, and I've never been to jail.

But there is one place that I've learned that throwing the rules out the window is not only sometimes necessary, it can lead to pleasantly unexpected (and delicious) results.

That place? Is the kitchen.

I used to follow recipes to the very letter of the law. If a recipe called for yellow onion and I only had sweet onion, I would run to the store, or send the husband to the store, or scrap it all together (after much stomping of feet, slamming of doors, and raising of fists in the air while shouting, "Why do bad things happen to good people?!")

Making substitutions was not my forte. And honestly, it still isn't. But the more I cook, the better I am at just letting go and seeing what happens. I like to experiment with flavors, throw a bunch of things in a bowl or a pan and say, "Let's see what happens."

I'd like to say this is the result of a newfound live-on-the-edge attitude (or as the kids call it, YOLO), but truthfully it's often born of necessity: it's been a long day, I'm tired, I'm hungry, it's late...what can I make that is edible and will give my body the fuel and nutrients it needs?

Sometimes, the result is just "meh," but often it is very tasty or even delicious.

Deliciousness is what I ended up with when I made muffins at midnight last night.

I wanted to make blueberry muffins because not only would they satisfy my immediate muffin craving, they'd be great for breakfast the next day. I found a recipe at Elana's Pantry, and got out all the ingredients except for vanilla extract.

I was out of vanilla extract! Oh the humanity.

I knew I could make the muffins without it and they'd probably still be good. But I didn't want just good muffins, I wanted great muffins.

So I thought, what could I use instead of vanilla extract? I had almond extract, but something about almond and blueberries didn't sound...great to me. But almonds and chocolate? Yes, please!

Did you guys catch that? Two substitutions. Two. I'm such a bad ass.

They were utterly delicious and I ate two while I sipped Sleepytime Vanilla tea and watched Friends reruns. It was good times, you guys.

So without anymore ado and rambling, here is the recipe for my Midnight Muffins! (Adapted from Elana's Pantry blueberry muffin recipe.)

1/2 cup coconut flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
6 eggs
1/3 cup Agave
1/3 cup grapseed oil
1 teaspoon almond extract
3/4 cup 60% or greater cocoa  chips

Mix together the dry ingredients
Mix together the eggs and wet ingredients with a hand mixer
Mix the dry into the wet
Fold in chocolate chips
Fill muffin lined tins 3/4 of the way and bake in 350 degree oven for 20 minutes

Elana's Pantry recipes said it makes 12. I made 11 muffins.

A note about the almond extract. The original recipe called for 1 TABLESPOON of vanilla but I thought that might be a little too almondy, so I used 1 teaspoon. The almond fumes were rather powerful when I was spooning the batter into the muffin cups and I was afraid I had used to much. But...I could barely taste the almond! Next time I will use more.

A note about the chocolate chips. I use very large chips, so 3/4 cup makes for very chocolatey muffins...which is a great thing for chocoholics. But if you're looking for a more even muffin to chocolate ratio, you may want to use fewer chips.

Happy baking!

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

A Pineapple a Day Keeps the Worms Away

Once upon a time, I was nine years old and my aunt was babysitting me for the day. At lunch time, she gave me a few pineapple slices and put the rest in the fridge.

After lunch, she went about her merry way doing whatever it was she needed to get done that day, and I stayed in the kitchen and had a little bit more pineapple.

And then I had a little more.

And then some more.

And then? MORE PINEAPPLE.

A few hours later when my aunt returned to the kitchen to eat some pineapple, it was all gone.

Her eyes filled with shock. I would have apologized, but speaking was slightly painful as it felt like someone had scraped off the top layer of my tongue. And also, I wasn't sorry.

I know I should have been. It's rather rude to be a guest in someone's house and eat all their pineapple before they've even had a bite. But seriously, she should have known better than to leave me alone with pineapple. (Other foods I shouldn't be left alone with include, bananas, bacon, and avocado.)

At nine years old, I had no idea of all the amazing health benefits of pineapple (and like I would have cared if you'd told me). I just knew it tasted good, I liked it A LOT, and so I ate it. All of it, apparently.

I'm sure you've heard people say (or may have even said it yourself), "If something tastes good, it's gotta be bad for you." And often, they are right.

The great news for pineapple lovers is that, when it comes to pineapples, that statement is wrong!

Did you know that...

Pineapples are full of vitamins A and C, fiber, potassium, phosphorous and calcium.

Pineapples have anti-oxidants which fight free radicals, those evil things that attack and damage our cells. And, keeping free radicals away with the help of rich anti-oxidants found in pineapple can help lower cholesterol.

Pineapples have anti-inflammatory properties which can help with arthritis and other ailments caused by inflammation.

The main enzyme in pineapples, Bromelain, helps aid digestion. I've definitely noticed the benefits of this. If I feel too full or bloated after a meal, I have a few pieces of pineapple and wait for it to do its magic.

Speaking of Bromelain, it is known to relieve or stop coughs all together because it helps break up mucus. So, send your sweetie to the store for some pineapple when you are sick!

Enzymes in pineapple can help fight stomach worms.
 Sorry, buddy, but you gotta GO!

Pineapple can help prevent nausea. It is believed that the best way to do this is to drink pineapple juice rather than eat the pineapple. Just make sure you aren't getting canned  or bottled juice that consists mainly of sweeteners and  other additives. Juice that pineapple at home!

Isn't it amazing that something that tastes so good and can be so good for you and have so many healing properties?

I sure think so!


***A note about the title: I have no idea how many pineapples it actually takes to rid oneself of worms. As with any ailment or issue, please consult your doctor. And if they won't take your pain/discomfort seriously, find one who does!




Sunday, February 23, 2014

Is it a Smoothie? Is it a Milkshake? Who Cares! It's Delicious!

I hope everyone is having a terrific Sunday!

Yesterday, I mentioned how weekends are a great time to try out new recipes. Well, today I tried a new smoothie recipe that I just had to share with you guys.

Making changes to your diet, aka lifestyle changes, can be hard, especially when those changes involve giving up a lot of things.

No more bread! No more pasta! No more cookies! No more ice cream! What's a girl (or guy) to eat?!

If you're not quite ready to give things up, but still want to start making healthier choices, try adding foods instead of subtracting them.

If you really, really, have to have those Doritos at lunch, have them! But try having some carrots too. For every Dorito you eat, eat a carrot. For every Coke you have, have the same number of ounces in water. If you have cookies for a mid-afternoon snack, have some fruit or raw nuts as well.

Or...

Have a smoothie!

Smoothies are a great way to take in a lot of nutrients and there are so many delicious combinations. Today, I tried  something new and what I ended up with was so delicious that I exclaimed to the dogs, "It's like a milkshake!"

Here it is, my  Chocolate Almond Shake of Joy
Organic Frozen Strawberries
1/2 - 3/4 cup Unsweetened Almond Milk
Handful of Organic Spinach
Two Heaping Tablespoons of Raw Meal Chocolate Cacao Organic Protein Powder

Throw it all in a blender or Nutribullet or Vitamix, mix it up, pour it in a cup, grab a straw, and do your best not to suck it all down in less than a minute.

What is Raw Meal Protein Powder?
Protein powder can be a great way add more protein, fiber, and healthy fats, plus live probiotics and enzymes to your diet. However, before adding protein powder to any smoothie or drink, read the label and make sure you are comfortable with every ingredient. And talk to your doctor, especially if you are on medications, have undiagnosed health problems, or an autoimmune disease. While it may be generally safe to say that it is full of nutrients that can only help you, every BODY is different. For example, anyone who suffers from problems stemming from inflammation would want to make sure the powder doesn't contain any nightshades.

The Raw Meal kind that I get is vegan, gluten free and dairy free. Make sure you keep your protein powder in the fridge to preserve those live probiotics and enzymes.

If you want to make the Chocolate Almond Shake of Joy smoothie but aren't ready for protein powder yet, I bet you would get the same chocolately delicious effect by adding a scoop or two of Cacao Powder.

Two of my other favorite smoothies are:

Strawberry Blueberry Explosion
Organic Frozen Strawberries
Organic Frozen Blueberries
1/2 - 3/4 cup water
2 very large handfuls of organic spinach

Pineapple Mang-Oh This is Awesome
Organic Frozen Pineapple
Organic Frozen Mango
1/2 -3/4 cup water
Large handful organic spinach
Small handful organic baby kale

In all of these, the amount of water/liquid depends on the amount of frozen goodies you add. The more you, the more water you will need. As for the other ingredients, I never really measure anything other than by handfuls. I fill my large Nutribullet cup up almost 3/4 way with fruit (which really isn't that much, it just takes up a lot of room), add water and protein powder, and add as many greens as I can. Sometimes, after it mixes up a little and there is more room, I add a few more greens.

Another benefit of smoothies? I hear they cure the dreaded Sunday-Night-I-Hate-That-Tomorrow's-Monday Blues. Or maybe not. But hey, it's worth a shot!



Saturday, February 22, 2014

Wheat Free Pancakes

I know I said that my next post would be about how my diet change helped my anxiety and depression, but I'm not going to write about that today.

It's the weekend! The weekend is about having fun, and anxiety and depression are the exact opposite of fun.

So tell me, what are you going to do this weekend to live your best life?

Read that book you've been dying to read? Cuddle with your pup on the couch? Go for a walk on the beach? Take a yoga class? Start training for that 5k? Nothing but relax, relax, relax?!

How about trying out a new recipe? I've found that weekends are a great time to try new recipes that include ingredients I've never worked with before or ones that might require a little tweaking or experimenting to get them right. Once you've mastered it, you can easily incorporate it into your weekly meal plan without it feeling like extra work.

Last weekend I made wheat free pancakes from She Cooks He Cleans. I have tried many wheat free pancake recipes and these are the closest to the real deal that I've had. They are actually fluffy!

Give them a try, and if you don't like them, don't give up on wheat free pancakes (that is, if you really like pancakes and are looking for a good WF alternative). As I said, I tried many recipes before I found one I really, really liked.*

Have them with a side of eggs to get that protein and to help reduce the insulin spike from honey or pure maple syrup toppings.

A note about coconut flour: it soaks up a lot of moisture, so have your syrup on the side or you'll keep needing to add more.

Happy eating, and remember...you only have one chance to live this life. Make it a good one!


*If you find you don't like the pancakes from She Cleans He Cooks, here are a few others to try...
(The first two from Elana's Pantry are made with almond flour and I find them to be too dense)

http://www.elanaspantry.com/pancakes/

http://www.elanaspantry.com/silver-dollar-pancakes/

http://www.thepaleomom.com/2012/09/perfect-paleo-pancakes.html

Also, if I remember correctly, I've made pancakes by mixing two eggs and a banana together. These are okay...a little thin and they kinda taste like egg and banana...I wonder why.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Did You Really Feel Bad?

"Did you really feel that bad?"

It was a question my father-in-law (ever the skeptic) asked me when he first heard about the things I no longer ate and how much better it made me feel.

I was a few months into my new lifestyle and my answer was: "I didn't know how bad I felt until I started to feel good."

Saying that reminded me of when one of friends got glasses sophomore year of high school. She said to me, "I didn't know how badly I couldn't see until I could see."

"How could you not know you couldn't see?" I said to her with much incredulity.

I thought she was crazy, but actually what she said made total sense. If everything you see is blurry or a little fuzzy around the edges, you don't notice anything is wrong. How could you? You have nothing to compare it to.  You don't know that there is any other way you could, or should, see.

The same is true for how I felt after I ate and pretty much how I felt all the time. If all I ever felt was ick, or gross, or tired, why would it ever occur to me that I could feel any other way? I wasn't sick. I was normal. After all, everyone feels that way after they eat, right?

Wrong!

It never occurred to me that I could feel fueled and energized, that I could be satisfied without feeling stuffed. Before I changed the way I ate, I can't tell you how many times in a day I would say, "I don't feel good." So much so that I was getting annoyed with myself and had to lovingly, yet firmly, tell me to "just shut up about it already!"

I never went to a doctor about the way I felt, because although I didn't feel good, I didn't really feel bad either. I didn't have raging headaches, or an irritated stomach. There was no way I could have told a doctor what, exactly, was wrong, I just know I didn't feel right.

I think the scientific term for how I felt is blah.

Just like in my last post where I mentioned my acceptance of a slowing metabolism and aching joints, I accepted feeling blah too. I accepted it because I didn't know there was any other way to feel.

But there were other things going on too. Things that weren't just "not good," but were downright bad. Things I would have loved to have changed or improved, but had pretty much given up all hope that they ever would be.

Things like...

Anxiety

Depression

and...THE PERIOD FROM HELL.

I'll start with THE PERIOD FROM HELL, because while it is the most physically painful of the three, it is the easiest to talk about.

My periods have always been awful. They would last for 10 days and be totally irregular. I would duck  my head in shame every time the gynecologist would give a disapproving eye when I couldn't provide her the date of my last period. I wanted to shout, "It doesn't matter if I did know the date of my last period! It won't give you any indication of when my next one will be!"

Eventually, they stopped lasting for two business weeks, and by my mid-twenties I could predict, almost down to the hour, when it would start each month. But one thing that never changed was the cramps. They have always been bad. The older I got, they worse they got.

I started to feel like my period was controlling my life.

It affected my work. I spent 45 minutes in the fetal position on the floor of the bathroom at work one day, waiting for someone to come look for me. Every time I tried to stand up and make my way back to my desk, my vision went dark and I nearly passed out. Eventually, I made my way to a coworker and she drove my home while I clutched a garbage can between my legs to catch the vomit.

It affected my personal life. Every vacation, outing, trip and activity revolved around whether I would have my period. "You want to go on the boat when? Sorry, I'll be busy rolling on the bathroom floor, moaning and puking that day."

It affected my family's life. My mom, who lives an hour and a half away, had to take a day off of work to come take care of me. Did you catch that? My mom had to miss work to take care of her 27 year old daughter because she was on her period. Does this sound ludicrous to anyone else?

As I mentioned in my last post, when I changed my diet I did so for the long-term benefits, I never imagined it could do anything to help my period now (or ever, for that matter).

I guess this would be a good time to tell you what my diet change included: no processed foods, no wheat, no refined sugar, and very limited dairy. I didn't cut everything all at once. In future posts, I'll tell you about my process and what did and didn't work for me.

I can't remember if my period started getting better the first month into my diet change, or the second. Maybe it was the third. I just remember one day I was like, "Hallelujah! I don't feel like I'm giving birth to a baby elephant!" Not only did I not have horrible cramps, but I hardly had any pain at all. I did not attribute that to my diet. I thought I just got lucky, and I braced myself for next month, which was sure to be twice as bad since I had gotten off so easy this month.

But then next month rolled around, and it was the same thing. No pain. The next month came, and the next after that, and the month after that. Same thing. NO PAIN. Finally I was like, "Wait a minute... Could it be my diet? Yes, yes I think so!"

If the only benefit of cutting processed foods, wheat, and sugar was pain-free periods, I would still eat this way. It's all the motivation I need. It is so freeing to not have your life controlled by your stupid menstrual cycle.

Oh, and all those things that come with your period like sore boobs, bloating, and mood swings that make your husband hide under the bed for days? They're either gone (no more sore boobs) or greatly diminished (if I consume a lot of sodium during the month, I still bloat, and I still have highs and lows, but not as extreme as before).

And just in case I had any doubts that what I eat directly impacts how I feel on my period...if I eat just the smallest bit of wheat or refined sugar, helloooooo cramps!

So, if you were to ask me today, a year into my new lifestyle, "Did you really feel that bad?" my answer would be slightly modified: "Oh hell yes I felt bad! And I never want to go back to feeling that way again."

Riley is pretty excited I no longer have painful periods. Or maybe he's just happy to be at the beach.

This post has gotten a little long so I'll talk about  my anxiety and depression (fun times!) in the next one.


Wednesday, February 19, 2014

I Was Twenty-Five

Twenty-five.

I was twenty-five years old when I started to notice the changes. I couldn't eat like I used to. Gone were the nights where I could devour an entire Hungry Howie's pizza and wake up the next day with a flat stomach.

I shrugged it off. "It's my metabolism," I would say. Sigh. "I'm getting older."

I accepted a little extra padding in my midsection and just a tad too much booty in the pants (you know, the kind that jiggles and droops and has, ahem, dimples) as a rite of passage. There was nothing I could do about them. After all, I was twenty-five. I was getting old.

By the time my late twenties rolled around just a few years and little more padding later, I was no longer getting old. I was old.

Crackling knees?

Check.

Aching joints?

Check.

Wince and moan when I stand up after sitting for a long time?

Double check.

Little flexibility? Low energy? General feeling of the blahs?

Check, check, cheeeeeeeeeck!

My friends and I would laugh about it.

"Can't party like we used to!"

"9:00 p.m.? Waaaaay past my bedtime."

"You wanna do what?! Sorry, I'll pass. I'm too old."

Being "old" was a running joke.

But then, one day, as my 30th birthday approached, it stopped being funny. Three things happened that made me rethink how I felt, what I ate, and the type of life I wanted to live.

1. The first was very simple - a question I asked myself: If this is how I feel at 30, how am I going to feel at 40? 50? 60? Do I even want to reach 70 and beyond???

2. I started reading. And learning. I read Waking the Warrior Goddess by Dr. Christine Horner. The book is about how to treat and prevent breast cancer and how the food we eat every day can have a tremendous influence on our chances of staying healthy or developing a disease.

This book is what I call my trigger (more on that later).

3. One of my dearest friends of more than 20 years was diagnosed with lupus. Lupus. At 30.

Suddenly, 30 didn't seem so old. In fact, 30 was young. Far too young to have lupus, or any other autoimmune disease.

Growing up, my friends and I would talk about our futures. We talked about husbands, and babies, and great careers doing important things. And of course we talked about staying friends forever and leaving said husbands, babies and great careers behind at least once a year for a much needed girls weekend at a fabulous and exotic location.

We imagined all those things. But disease? Cancer? Depression? Anxiety? Not only were those things not in our rose colored picture of the future, they weren't even dancing on fringes of the picture frame.

It's hard to imagine when you're young that any of the choices you make today could one day affect your future self in a negative way. I'm not suggesting that my friend did or didn't do something that gave her lupus. The fact is, sometimes life just sucks. Sometimes, you can do all the right things, and the end result is still wrong.

There are no guarantees in life. There is no guarantee that bad things won't happen to you. There is no guarantee that you will feel happy and healthy and seize the day every day. I mean, really. Can you seize all the days? There is definitely no guarantee that you won't get sick or die young.

As the big Three-Oh got closer, I was okay with not having a guarantee. But I began to ask, "What if?"

"What if I could equip my body with the tools it needs to have the best chance to prevent disease?" Or, if I did get a disease, "What if I could equip my body with the tools to fight it off?"

I had tried before to "clean up" my diet. Get rid of the crap, eat only the good. My mom is a health guru. I had been hearing for years how certain foods can heal you and others can harm you. After my husband and I would visit my parents, we'd get all jazzed up about eating healthy. "We're going to give up the crap!" we'd say. "Only good food for us from now on!"

We'd get home and our newfound lifestyle would last all of two seconds. We'd open the fridge and wail that there was nothing in there we could eat. And all those healthy foods we were so excited about less than two hours ago? Forget it. We didn't want to eat those. And our addiction to "bad" food (food I now affectionately refer to as poison) assured we never would convert to a whole, clean lifestyle.

You see, I believed all the things my mom said about food, but I didn't believe it. Kinda like believing there is a god, but not believing in God.

Enter Waking the Warrior Goddess. Toward the beginning of the book, Dr. Horner explains in scientific, yet in totally understandable and "non-believer", terms what happens to our cells every time we eat something. We may  not know it's happening. We may not be able to feel it (or maybe, just maybe, we do and we just don't realize it), but it's happening.

Call me a nerd, a dork, a geek, or whatever you want, but learning about DNA and cell division made me a believer. It was my trigger - the thing that changed my life. Suddenly, eating whole, clean foods was no longer about what I was giving up, but about what I was gaining.

I started changing the way I eat in February 2013. My decision was fueled by my desire to make decisions that my future self would one day thank me for. What I didn't expect was all the changes in the present. Amazing, wonderful changes that I didn't think were even possible.

I will talk about those changes in my next post. But for now I just want to say to those of you who are struggling, to those who believe food can make a difference in how you feel but don't know where to start, or what to eat, to those who are feeling there is nothing you can eat, to those who are discouraged, confused, overwhelmed, frustrated, sick...I get it. I have been there. Right where you are right now shouting at the computer screen telling me I have no idea what you are going through... I have been there. In some ways, I still am there.

Changing your life is hard.

But I want to help. I'm starting this blog because I hope that my experiences will encourage you. I hope that the things that I have learned will help you go just one more day, to try just one more time. I hope that I can help you feel better. If nothing else, I hope you will know that you are not alone on this journey.

I will say it a million times throughout this blog, I am not a doctor, nutritionist or dietician. I am not an expert and I most certainly do not have all the answers. I'm just a girl trying to live the best life I can and help others along the way.

I was twenty-five when I resigned myself to the fact that the no good, very bad changes in my body were inevitable.

I was thirty when I realized the facts were wrong and I took my life back.

 This is my pup Sweet Riley. He is a firm believer that a regular routine of catching the frisbee and lifting that weight is a critical component to living your best life.

(P.S. For those about to click on the "About Me" tab, this post is copied there...but there is a little more info about me if you're interested.)